Imagine this: You're a devoted parent who's poured years of love, time, and money into your child's future, only to watch them struggle as an adult. It's heart-wrenching, isn't it? But here's where it gets controversial—how do you know when it's time to stop the financial lifeline, especially when it feels like you're choosing between tough love and potential disaster?
Asking Eric: Navigating the Tough Decision to Halt Financial Support for Our 37-Year-Old Daughter
Advice (https://www.pennlive.com/advice/)
- Published: December 11, 2025, at 7:07 a.m.
Dear Eric: In just a month, my daughter will turn 37, yet she's never fully managed to stand on her own two feet financially. She earned a degree from a reputable university, but she can't seem to hold down a job for more than about a year.
Right now, she's employed as a hostess in an upscale restaurant. For the past five years, she's been living with her younger boyfriend, and they have no intentions of tying the knot. She battles bipolar disorder and has relied heavily on our financial help throughout her adult years.
When and how do we draw the line and stop supporting her? Her boyfriend doesn't contribute financially, and we're terrified she might unravel completely and end up homeless. What's the right approach, and what pitfalls should we avoid? We've spent countless hours talking to her about stepping up to financial independence. – A Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned Mother: Deciding to end financial support can vary widely based on your motivations and hers. For example, if your own financial situation has shifted and you simply can't continue affording it, the transition might need to happen swiftly. On the other hand, if the aim is to gently guide her toward self-reliance, it could involve a gradual weaning process to build her confidence.
First and foremost, ensure she has access to proper medical and mental health care for her bipolar disorder—this isn't just a good idea; it's essential. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder characterized by extreme mood swings, from manic highs to depressive lows, which can make maintaining steady employment challenging. Start by discussing with her and her healthcare professionals practical steps for living independently. It's crucial to openly communicate your individual goals and hers, recognizing where they might differ. Focus your efforts on what you can control: your own budget.
You dream of her gaining financial autonomy, but ultimately, that's her journey to embrace. Her definition of responsibility might not match yours—perhaps she views part-time work or alternative income streams as progress. That's why involving her medical team is key; they can recommend resources like vocational training, job placement services, or community support groups that enhance her skills and create a lasting safety net. These aren't one-time fixes; they're tools she can revisit whenever life throws curveballs.
Similarly, addressing the boyfriend's lack of financial involvement needs to come from her side. By demonstrating respect for her choices and showing you're not her sole safety net, you might open the door for her to listen to your advice on this relationship. And this is the part most people miss—sometimes, gently nudging adult children toward independence reveals their hidden strengths, turning potential dependency into true growth.
But here's where it gets controversial: Is it ever okay to cut off support completely, even if it risks homelessness? Critics might argue it's cruel, while others say it's the ultimate act of love, forcing resilience. What do you think—should parents prioritize their child's immediate stability over long-term self-sufficiency?
I Want Our Son to Join Us for Holidays with His Girlfriend's Family
Dear Eric: Our kids are all grown up. Two reside nearby, and one is practically next door to us. One has married and has little ones, so we spend a lot of time with them, including most holidays. (Their in-laws are quite difficult, to put it mildly.)
Our middle child is in a fairly new but increasingly serious relationship. We organized a Thanksgiving beach getaway with my in-laws—our children's cousins, aunt, and uncles—and everyone was thrilled about it initially.
Now, though, the middle child plans to join us with his girlfriend for only a few days before heading to her family's for the main holiday. He's undecided on Christmas, as they might visit her side again.
When my spouse and I wed, we alternated holidays between our families or stayed home, ensuring neither side felt neglected. I adore his girlfriend, but I'm disappointed that he appears content prioritizing her family's celebrations.
How can I bring this up without coming across as complaining or judgmental? For context, she just relocated to our area recently. – Holiday Balancing Act
Dear Holiday Balancing Act: Although Christmas is still ahead, I recommend postponing the chat until after the holiday season, focusing on upcoming plans. Your middle child is likely still figuring out how to divide time, given the fresh relationship and each family's unique customs.
Framing the discussion around next year's plans avoids framing it as pointing out errors in this year's choices. (Nothing in your message suggests you see it that way, but these talks can sometimes spiral into blame.)
Instead, tackle it from a practical angle while clearly stating your desires. Try something like: “We cherish having you here for the holidays. Drawing from our experience with alternating between families, we were grateful for your efforts with Thanksgiving—it was wonderful to have you for as long as you could.
“We'd love for you to be with us more in the future, but I'd like to hear your preferences so we can collaborate on a solution.”
Viewing it as a scheduling conundrum reduces emotional strain. Remember, he's not necessarily picking her family over yours—holidays aren't confined to the exact dates, and setups evolve with life's changes for everyone involved.
Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/oureric) and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com (https://rericthomas.com/).
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R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter on a national scale. His memoir, Here for It, or How to Save Your Soul in America, was praised by Lin-Manuel Miranda as “pop culture-obsessed,...”
What are your thoughts on these dilemmas? Do you believe parents should always provide a financial safety net, no matter the age? Or is there a point where stepping back empowers growth? Share your perspectives in the comments—we'd love to hear your stories and debates!
